Rape- it should make you uncomfortable. 

“I will never understand why it is more shameful to be raped than it is to be a rapist”

I told my story a few weeks ago in front of a group of women. Today I pulled into my driveway and a number I didn’t recognize popped up. I answered and heard a broken “today it’s too much” I recognized her voice immediately, she came up to me the day I told my story and just said “9 years” and I immediately knew she was also a survivor. 

Honestly, I didn’t want to talk to her because today wasn’t a dark day. I didn’t want to have to go back. But as I talked to her with tears pouring down my face because I could feel her hurt I heard her voice even out and she just whispered thank you and I realized we need each other.

 Another person who gets it. 

No one but someone who has lived through it understands. It’s impossible to understand how much you hate yourself. How many times you replay it. How many times you wake up hysterically sobbing. How many times you wish he’d killed you that day. How many times you somehow convince yourself it was your fault. How many times you wonder if anyone will ever have the ability to love you and your mess. How many times you think about how nothing will ever be how it was intended to be. 

You’ll never love the same. You’ll never trust the same. You’ll never be the same. The person you were that day died. 

#endrapeculture #endthesilence #shewasntaskingforit #oneoffive

Random funnies 

I keep track of things mainly that my 4yo says(my life is simply being roasted by a 4yo and cleaning up puke and poop) and since my life is a mess and I have nothing positive to blog about(I do I’m just a grumpy pregnant lady at the moment) hopefully you get some giggles out of this as I organize my “funnies” from the past couple months.



2017Moms: My kids only eat organic&gluten free”

Me: I mean idk what gluten is but my kids boogers are probably organic&they eat those so..
Hey mom when I’m big will I have boobies?

Uh.. yes

Yeah but big boobies like big people or little boobies like you?

#WillowQuoteOfTheDay

Whats motherhood? I just beat kid1 for beating kid2 w/ an apple core all while holding kid3 who woke up due to the apple beating by kid1&2


 Mom can I have a candy

No

Why

You’ll get diabetes

And?

Die sooner

You said not to be afraid of dying cause I’m going to heaven 

#4yoYOLO


*talking to julie*

Don’t feel like a bad mom. One time you walked your siblings barefoot to a bus stop w/o me knowing

Oh. Thx mom u win.


*willow to stranger*

My mom named me Willow because Willow is a princess name but I can fight too so I can cut throats

Ok psychopath.


How is it road tripping with kids? My son just threw an Oreo at my head while going 80 on the highway because apparently he wanted goldfish.


Willow has 3 porcelain dolls and she just told me when people are mean to her the dolls wake up and hurt them… what. WHYAREYOUPOSSESSED


Sister?

Daughter.

When did you have her when you were 10? 

Yes sir. I was 10. Can I have my coffee?


*W squeezing into underwear that don’t fit* 

Mom you know when your butt is too big for your undies?

No Willie I can’t say I can relate.


Willow clean your room

*Looks @ my messy room*

Well, well, well mariah. Clean ur room

Dont call me mariah

Dont tell me to clean my room


Before I was a mom I never knew I could ruin someone’s life by not letting them play in their poop.


*W handed me concealer* “here mom, you have those dark things under your eye balls again.” YOURE 4. GO WET THE BED OR SOMETHING🙄 #4goingon16


I just walked into my moms house while she was in the shower, made myself a bowl of food, dropped humans off and left w/o seeing her😂


I fell asleep while the kids were watching tv. For ten minutes.. ten. And woke up to Reid pistol whipping me in the eye with his nerf gun🙄


If you dont MMA wrestle your kids at least 8 times a day are you even a parent? (The answer is no)


I picked W up from the gym daycare &the first thing she did was hand me a paper and say “here this is an invitation to my wedding with Sean”


Reid where’s your nose 

*points to junk*

….no. Okay where’s your ears?

*points to junk*

…we’ll try again tomorrow


We stopped at Whataburger between ballet and soccer and W yelled MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING ITS TACO TUESDAY. It was the best moment of my life


W farted while sitting butt naked in laundry.. stood up, looked and said oh good it was just a fart. I’ve never been more proud/disgusted


Hide and seek is my favorite thing to play with my kids. Especially when they don’t know we’re playing so I’m just hiding by myself



What did you do all day?

Did your blood boil reading that? 

I know mine does every time I hear it. 

They walk in from work. 

Look around the house. 

See a mess. Half dressed kids. Kraft Mac and Dino nuggets for dinner once again. A toilet paper roll run through the house. 

Your hair is a mess. And by a mess I mean a family of birds could be living in it along with the 9 Cheerios, baby vomit, and only God knows what else is in that nasty mess on top of your head. 

Yes. There’s poop on your last clean shirt. The last clean shirt you’ve been wearing for 3 days. 

You’ve said no approximately 908 times since noon. 

You’ve heard “mom” at least a few thousand times today. 

You kept humans alive. 

And fed. 

You did nap time. 

And diaper changes. 

And baths. 

Repeat. 

You sang the Itsy Bitsy spider 84 times. 

You watched trolls. 3 times. And still don’t know what happened in it. 

You read them giraffes can’t dance without looking at the pages because that is their favorite book. 

You stop them from seriously injuring themselves more times than you can count. (I mean outlets, knives, cleaning supplies, doors, ect..)

You did lock yourself in the bathroom and pretended not to see the fingers under the door and the squealing to be let in… twice because man today you needed “alone time”

You puked because the day old spaghetti sauce smell was just too much for your pregnant self to handle. 

You peed with an audience. 

You paid the bills.

You made their doctors appointments. 

Ran to the grocery store. 

Played peek a boo and hide and go seek. 

You broke up fight after fight. 

But when your blood begins to boil as the words what did you do today leave their mouth you smile and say not much. 

Because let’s be real. Stay at home moms do NOTHING. {sarcasm}

Mom, the Easter bunny are not real. 

We were sitting stuffing Easter eggs and my 4 year old who always amazes me with her understanding of life looked at me and said “mom” in that voice that always catches my attention. 
I looked at her and she very seriously said “the Easter bunny are not real”

I nodded. “You’re right” 

Then she laughed and said “Mr. Matt are the Easter bunny” (referring to a squadron Easter party)

I laughed and said “you’re right again”

Then she said “but mom, Easter is Jesus’ day cause hims died. I like all this sugary stuff though.” And she proceeded to stuff eggs full of jelly beans. 

I know she knows the story but I like hearing it from her, seeing what’s she’s learned at home and in church so I asked her to explain. 

And she very simply, without thinking said “Jesus died so we don’t have to.”

She went on to tell me about bad choices she makes. Such as hitting her brother. Or not listening. Or eating 2 candies instead of 1. And then again she got serious and said “but when you talk to Jesus you say I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. Amen. Cause you love him and it makes him sad.”

I was impressed by it all. But how does a 4 year old put it so simply. 

Jesus died so we don’t have to. 

Those are the words that left my 4 years olds mouth. 

That’s what Easter is about. A living God. 

A God who died for our sins. 

A God who rose again. 

I won’t let my kids be Christians. 


Calm down. 

Hear me out. 

I thank God every day for my walk with Him. For the hard times especially. When I had my oldest I was 17. No. I don’t wish that on any of my kids BUT I learned more from that than anything else. I learned about high horse Christians. The ones who looked down on me because in my arms I held proof of my sin. The ones who are seemingly perfect and if I didn’t have a Bible to tell me different I’d believe they were sinless. I mean I’ve even recently been told by a woman at church only devil worshippers struggle with depression… of course God placed this comment in my life during the weeks I was finally got off antidepressants(side note praising God I’m finally 100% off them and out of the fog that was getting off of them BUT please please please take them/seek help if you’re struggling, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Depressions real. You’re not a devil worshipper lol) You know the kind of christians I’m talking about. We’ve all met them. 

With that said:

I won’t let my kids be high horse Christians. 

The kind of christian that hates gays. 

That shun the teen mom. 
That whispers rumors. 

That look down on others. 

That look at the cursing alcoholic as too far gone. 

That say the woman who aborted her child is going to hell. 

That see the prositute as un-redeemable. 

That watch wrong happen as sit silently because some other Christian will handle it. 

That turn away the poor man. 

That live for material things. 

That laugh at those who are trying to get right. 

That believe their filthy rags are better than everyone else’s. 

That don’t show His love. His grace. 

I refuse. I won’t do it. 

I will let them be Christ like Christians. 

(Honestly, He has really worked on me on becoming more like Him because believe me being a high horse Christian can be easy.)

The kind that show grace to the young mom. 

That embrace those in need. 

That LOVE without judgement. 

That witness. 

That forgive. 

That spread His joy. 

That pray. 

That hold on to His word. 

That cry for the lost and rejoice in the saved. 

That see the good in everyone for we were all made in His image. 

I will raise them to be Christians and love Him, but I refuse to let them be high horse Christians. 

I’m good enough for them. 


This morning I was late to church. 

I fed my kids breakfast, a granola bar, on the way. 

Trying to leave church I literally drug my son down the hall while trying not to drop the baby and ended up leaving him screaming on the floor inside while I loaded the girls into the car. 

I feed them fast food for lunch. At 4pm. 

I’m out of clean clothes for the baby so she went to the pool naked. 

I have approx. 87 loads of laundry that need done and another 34 that need folded and put away. 

I literally flopped on top of my sleeping 4 year old to wake her up and she said I “whoa mom you’re littler than last week cause I can still breathe” 

I raised my voice when I didn’t really need to. 

I said no when I could have said yes. 

I said hang on, later, not right now, when I didn’t need to. 

I started to beat myself over it but then I remembered, I am good enough for them. 

I’m still the arms they want to be in. 

I’m still the person they want to see more than anyone. 

I’m still the person they love with all their little hearts can give. 

I’m still the one who heals their boo-boos with “magic kisses” 

I’m still the one who sings them to sleep. 

I’m still the one who is always here.

I’m still the one who knows all their likes and dislikes. 

I’m still the one who tells them how much they are loved every single day. 

I’m still what they need. 

I’m what they want and cry for. 

I’m still good enough for them. 

The one who loved me first 

Today I thought back to the times when I thought I had made up my mind that your older siblings would be the only 2 who ever called me momma. 

I was done. 

My body was done. 

My mind was done.

Then I saw a little speck wiggling on the ultrasound screen, and my stomach sank as I looked over at your brother who was just 5 months old. (The irony of going in to switch BC and being told you can’t because there’s a human already growing inside you.)

 And when I thought back on this I fell to my knees and thanked Him. I thank Him for the faint whisper that didn’t let my fear win. 

I thank Him for His plan that’s far greater than mine. I would have never known the sweetest human I’ve ever encountered. 

With eyes just like your sisters. 

With a smile that lights up even the darkest of days. 

With squeals that make me laugh every time. 

With snuggles that somehow literally suck the sadness out of me. 

With cheeks that begged to be kissed. 

With a soul that brings joy, peace and so much happiness to our home. 

His plan seems so big. So scary. So overwhelming. Too much for me. 

So today as life brings it newest trials and frustrations that have lead to a lot of “tear stained face prayers” I chose to trust the one who loved me first and not lean on my own strength and understanding. 

My boys will not be boys. 

Boys will be boys. 

We’ve all heard it. 

We’ve all experienced it. 

When he pulled her hair on the playground, she complained it hurt and the teacher said “oh he just likes you. Boys will be boys.”

When he smacked her butt as she rushed to class. And everyone shrugged, boys will be boys. 

When a student snuck into the locker room and there was a flash and all of a sudden this girl’s body was on every single cell phone at that school. But that’s okay because boys will be boys. 

When he told a “harmless” rape joke and everyone laughed and high fived him. Boys will boys. 

When “John” texted her and he saw it and smashed her phone before realizing john is her brother.  Boys will be boys. 

When he gave her a list of friends and family she could no long talk to. Boys will be boys. 

When he told her he was sorry for how he’s been acting and she forgave him through eyes that were overflowing with tears of hurt. Boys will be boys. 

When he told her if she didn’t do something he requested she didn’t love him, but he is the only boy who’d ever love her because she’s worthless. Boys will be boys. 

When he hit her. Boys will be boys. 

When he forced himself upon her and she knew better than to say anything because boys will be boys. 

When she said no. And he didn’t listen. Boys will be boys is not a valid excuse. 

My daughters will not ever hear the words boys will be boys out of my mouth. They won’t live in fear of them. They won’t wonder if they’re worthy. 

My sons will know that they are to be men not boys. They will understand respect. They will know to stand up against rape culture because it’s not her problem. It’s our problem. 

Why I’m attending my {gay} best friends wedding


This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

In 7th grade I was the new kid(that military life) 

I had health class with the girl named Breanna who very quickly became my best friend.

She was there for all the awkward years, breakups, new friends, goodbyes. She was there for my best days and my good days. She was there when I felt like I had no one to talk to. She was there when we got in trouble together. She was there for seriously some of the worst days of my life.  She was there when I became a teen mom. She was there for my kids birthdays.  My wedding. She once even bummed a ride from some stranger to get to me.

We haven’t lived in the same state in 6 years. But still she’s always there. 

It’s rare enough to stay best friends with someone from high school, but to live 2000 miles apart and still be inseparable is a special friendship. 

Last year she started dating a girl. 

I wasn’t upset or annoyed or anything like that. 

I am a Christian though, so it put me in a weird spot. Not that their relationship is about me I just kept hearing “your best friend is gay?” 

Honestly I wanted to scream. 

No. My best friend is loving. And caring. And kind hearted. And funny. She’s selfless. And empathetic. And a hard worker. Who also happens to be with a girl. 

I always wanted to fire back with oh your best friend is an alcoholic? A liar? A fornicator? A murderer? A selfish, mean, awful person? But held my tongue because that wouldn’t help my case at all. 

She recently got engaged and the question quickly arose “will you be attending her wedding?”

I honestly had to go home and talk to my husband about it. I had to talk to close friends and family about it and seek their counsel. 

She’s my best friend. How could I not go?

Her fiancé, is awesome. I love them both dearly. 

I didn’t feel condemned for wanting to go. I didn’t feel bad. (If you are a Christian you know when you’re in the wrong you feel awful. Living in sin makes you feel terrible.)

I prayed. I cried some. 

Finally I was talking to my christian friends about it and said I honestly don’t know what to do or say anymore. 

Her response answered all my questions. 

She said how many Christians does she have in her life? This wedding is happening regardless of your attendance. If you, her best friend, let everyone else harass you about going and don’t go do you know how sour of a taste that would leave in her mouth? You pray. You fast. You go. You’ll have people who love you just the same. 

Happ•in•ess 

I’ve had to shift how I look at motherhood. I’ve had to stop focusing on the things that don’t necessarily bring me happiness and remind myself what does make me happy.  

I don’t find happiness in shuffling through the dark, running into a wall, waddling down the steps to make a bottle for my infant who is up sick screaming her head off at 4am. But I do find happiness in the extra snuggles that come with sick babies. 

I don’t find happiness in punishing my 4 year old. But I do find happiness in seeing her be kind to others. 

I don’t find happiness in loading three kids into the car and yelling at them to not pinch each other the whole drive. But I do find happiness in watching them play at the playground together once we’ve arrived. 

I don’t find happiness in trips to Walmart with all my kids. But I do find happiness in letting them learn different foods and seeing them wave at strangers. 

I don’t find happiness in public restrooms. But I do find happiness in hearing my kid carrying on a conversation through the stall. 

I don’t find happiness in dirty diapers. But I do find happiness in loving on my clean babies. 

I don’t find happiness in scrambling out the door last minute to get to ballet practice. But I do love watching her dance and seeing her ear to ear smile. 

I don’t find happiness in chasing my son EVERY time I open the front door because he loves to explore. But I do find happiness in the fact that he is already adventurous. 

I don’t find happiness in cleaning. But I do find happiness in seeing my kids attempt to help. 

I don’t find happiness in cleaning up puppy pee. But I do find happiness in seeing how much my kids love her. 

I don’t find happiness in cleaning up dirty dishes. But I do find happiness in family dinners. 

I don’t always find happiness in motherhood. But I do always find happiness in my kids.