Dear mom with the tear stained eyes

Dear mom with the tear stained eyes, you’re enough for them. 

2017 has been hell year for me. 

And I’m constantly feeling like I’m failing the 4 most important people in my life. 

I’ve been the mom with the tear stained eyes more times this year than in my entire 5 years of motherhood. 

I’ve cried in the Walmart check out when my toddler is having a tantrum and I hear the old man behind me sigh in annoyance. 

I’ve cried when my 4 year old yells back “you’re mean.”  

I’ve cried when people have said you can’t do this on your own because most days I believe it. 

I’ve cried when people look at my growing belly and say do you not know what birth control is. Not knowing I met an adoptive family because I felt that unfit to care for her. 

I’ve cried when I ignore another person I care about because I don’t feel like leaving the house or speaking to them.

I’ve cried when people my age make comments about how my life is ruined. 

I’ve cried after spending a day around people and pretending everything’s okay. 

I’ve cried over things that are far out of my control. 

I’ve cried because life has been one low blow after another. 

I’ve cried at 3am when I’m up trying to catch up on everything I couldn’t do when they were up. 

I’ve cried when my advisor told me taking a full course load is stupid with kids at home. 

I’ve cried after getting the kids to bed and sat outside their door in the dark simply praying for some guidance. 

I’ve scooped them out of bed a thousand times in the middle of the night and kissed their tiny faces and whisper I am sorry for everything I did wrong that day. 

For saying no when I could have said yes. For raising my voice when I didn’t need to. For saying hang on a minute when I should have stopped cleaning and watched my 4 year olds ballet routine for the 30th time. 

I’ve cried out of anger when I’m doubled over in pain due to contractions but am covered in bruises from shots that are supposed prevent preterm laboring. 

Overall I’ve felt like I’m failing miserably. To find balance. To cook. And clean. And play. And parent. And to make sure they each get at least 43 kisses a day. And to make sure I tell them I love them because I never want them to question that. And to teach them. And to get them outside to play. And to wash their little faces before bed. And to make sure I read to them every single night. And to deal with the laundry list of things that need done. 

Being a single mom is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I am constantly trying to “make it up” to my kids. 

To be enough. 

I tired. I’m mentally and physically drained. And my heart hurts. 

My 4 year old is always the one who knows when I’m struggling. She’s sensitive, like her momma. 

A few nights ago I crawled into bed with her to get her to sleep and my face was yet again tear stained. She scooped my face between her tiny hands and said mom stop crying or you’ll melt your sprinkles off(my freckles) 

I laughed and said kiddo moms fine just extra tired. 

And she replied so sweetly like she does every time she knows I’m struggling and said mom, I’m 4 now. I always know when your heart is hurting. 

Which of course triggered the hormonal waterworks and I said you’re too smart for your own good now close your eyes and I’ll give you a dream (telling her a story usually about princesses and fairies)

She closed her eyes and said tonight can you give me a dream about me and the best mom in the whole world, you. 

You’re enough for them. 

They don’t see the bad. 

They see the good. 

You’re much harder on yourself than they are. 

They don’t care about the mess. 

They don’t care that the old man at Walmart was annoyed at their tantrum. 

They don’t care about any of that. 

They just care that you’re there. 

You’re theirs and they’re yours.

So to the mom with the tear stained eyes, you’re enough for them. 

What moms say vs what moms mean. 

1. What they say: I have to do laundry. 

What they mean: I have to run the washer and dryer and throw the clothes in a giant mound on the floor

2. What they say: I’m so sorry they never act like this at home 

What they mean: lol they totally act like this at home. But worse. 

3. What they say: I need to shower. 

What they mean: no for real I haven’t showered in 6 days.. 8? Idk

4.What they say: sorry about the mess 

What they mean: I seriously cleaned for 2 hours and you have no idea the amount of stuff that is shoved in the back room. So sorry about the mess but this is really clean for us. 

5. What they say: ah another stain, I didn’t even notice, she must have spit up on me. 

What they mean: I’ve worn this shirt 3 times this week. Because the mound in the hall is quickly diminishing so this is the cleanest shirt I have. Yes I slept in it. Yes I know there’s a stain. It’s been there all week. No it’s not spit up I was dipping my pizza in ranch and missed my mouth. 

6.What they say: they are so sweet

What they mean: they are so sweet on occasion. Like when the aren’t trying to be WWE fighters. Or pooping everywhere. Or saying mom every .25 seconds. 

7. What they say: I put make up on today 

What they mean: I locked my kids in a room in front of the dreaded Caillou while I slapped my face on. 

8. What they say: I peed alone today 

What they mean: I peed with the door shut and ignored the tiny fingers under the door. 

9.What they say: I need to grocery shop

What they mean: I dug through the freezer since the fridge is empty and we are even out of all our frozen meals. 

10. What they say: I love being a mom. 

What they mean: I love being a mom. Minus laundry. And fussing. And being pooped on. 
Bonus: what moms post vs. reality. 

1. Christmas pics 

2. Sister sister 



3.beach pics by a 3year old

Honest motherhood

I don’t care what anyone tells you.

MOTHERHOOD SUCKS. 

If they tell you different they’re lying. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome. It’s rewarding. It’s the best thing you’ll ever do. 

But it sucks. Okay? It’s awful. 

I mean if I said you have a job that’s 24/7, you clean up bodily fluids of another human, you cook, clean, and drive them around. For FREE. You’d say no. 

You know you would. I would. 

But it pays in giggles and your child’s love. 

Tell that to the  mom running off of 3 hours of sleep, covered in poop, over the scream of her toddler saying “MOM MY SISTER IS THROWING UP ON ME” 

Let me tell you about my day. 

I have changed 11 diapers 6 (yes 6) of which were dirty diapers, 1 was a blow out. 

I paid my toddler in candy to take her medicine. 

I pinned my son down to give him his. 

I think I’ve only cried twice today (new recordddd)

“Mommy” has been said approximately 98262737 times since 8am. 

Our main meal has been Halloween candy. 

My hair is in a gross mom bun that I pulled a soggy quakers puff thing out of earlier, I have no makeup on and am wearing a baggy shirt because ain’t nobody got time for a bra today.

I peed today with 4 hands shoved under the door and since I’m being honest I stayed in there longer than nessicary and tried to drowned out the sound of “hey mom, mom whatcha doing in there”

I’ve vacuumed up about 706 goldfish. 

I think they got every single toy out today. 

We’ve been watching Christmas movies all day but when my toddler said “I’m going to punch you if you touch my toy again brother” I opened the back door and said run free children. 

Yes I considered shutting the door and letting the neighbors find them and then scrolling past their picture on the missing dog page on Facebook. 

But that’s not humane. Craigslist is a much better option. 

But seriously I’m so tired of all the flowers, sparkles and rainbows when it comes to motherhood. It’s just not that. 

It’s hard. 

It’s draining. 

It’s the hardest work you’ll ever do. 

Yes. It’s awesome. And I love it(most of the time) And it’s rewarding. And my kids are hilarious so I laugh a lot. 

BUT it also sucks. 

Honest motherhood. 

Top 10 mom fails

This was inspired by tonight’s conversation, so here are my top 10 mom fails. I have forgotten picture day, accidentally hit my kid in the head with a door, let my child fall in the toilet and many more great parenting moments but these are my top 10. 

#10 I told my daughter we couldn’t play outside because a lion escaped from the zoo… really I just wanted to finish scandal. 

#9 My daughter stole a ton of Reese’s Easter eggs from walmart(age 2). We returned them. We arrived home. I look over and she’s eating one. Still unsure how this happened. 

#8 I was speeding to get diapers at Walmart because I ran out (oops) with my 1.5 year old daughter in the back. We got pulled over. She peed her pant. Winning. 

#7 I told the cashier at Walmart I only had 2 kids… and seriously forgot momentarily I have 3. 

#6 My toddler asked me to hand her toilet paper under the stall. (The bathroom was empty at the time.) I heard someone come in. And because I didn’t give my daughter toilet paper fast enough she screamed “MOM I NEED TO WIPE MY BUTT CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME PAPER?!” To which I heard a snort. I handed her some and we walked next door to wash our hands to avoid seeing the lady in the other stall. 

#5 My 14 month old went to the bathroom in the tub, before I could get him out he grabbed the foreign object between his fat fingers… and squeezed. 

#4 I went shopping with my toddler who had earlier found the tampon/pad drawer. We were walking through the mall and she said “hey mom you have a cool sticker on your butt!” Yep. I’d been walking around with a pad on my pants for a good hour. 

#3 My son had a blow out in the car. In his hair. All over his car seat. It literally leaked through the car seat strap holes onto the actually seat of my jeep. I was disgusted so I literally hosed my child off. Like with a hose. Outside. Wait. Wait. It gets worse. The mail lady then came up to deliver a package as I was hosing my child off. 

#2 My son was circumcised after being discharged from the hospital. (This one has been told to no one not even my husband because well it was a big mom fail) Anyways we got home and I opened his diaper and was in shock. Oh my gosh it’s broken. No. no. I’m never going to have grandkids. What is this? What did they do? No. no. It’s certainly broken. I called the doctors. “Eerrr ma’am is there still gauze on it?” Oh. Oh. Okay. 

#1 I was on my way to New Orleans to see my best friend. We, the 3 kids and I, stopped at McDonalds for a bathroom break. I nursed my infant and ran in with all 3 of my tiny humans. I got back in the car and was beaming with pride that I had just taken all 3 of my kids (3,1,0) into a public restroom. Then I looked down and realized my boob had been hanging out the entire time. 

PPD, the unspeakable. 


Postpartum depression. 

I love my kids. I love being a mom. I love playing with my tiny humans all day long and cuddling them till they fall asleep. They are my happiness. 

Until I had my third. I quickly became aware of the fact that I wasn’t bonding with her. The time she took from the older two annoyed me. She cries all the time. She spits up soooo much. She needs to be held constantly. She is possibly the worst sleeper… EVER. 

She is difficult. 

My other two quickly started to annoy me. If they’d cry it would make me so incredibly irritated. 

I almost never leave my kids. 3 weeks ago I loaded up the car and drove states away for the weekend because I desperately needed a break. 

I, several times a day, shut the bathroom door and bawl my eyes out. 

I’m miserable. 

I hate going to things. Leaving the house. I have no appetite. 

I go to church and come home so drained just from being around people. 

I don’t grocery shop. 

I don’t clean. 

I’m not totally checked in. 

I smile for the world but at home am fighting demons that feel so much bigger than me. 

Somedays I seriously don’t get out of bed. 

Friends and family have helped me more in the past 8 weeks than ever before. 

I’ve called family in the middle of the night crying just to feel okay for a few minutes. 

I’ve felt numb. 

Things that I normally felt I could conquer seem impossible. 

The smallest tasks seem so overwhelming. 

I usually feel everything so deeply. And I used to hate it because it is scary being that vulnerable and being unable to hide what you’re feeling until I was so checked out I barely felt anything. That was so much scarier. 

I have looked at my child and in a sense resented her. That sounds awful. It is awful. It feels awful to feel that way. 

I started antidepressants and honestly felt small. Judged. Not capable of caring for MY children. 

I even had someone go as far as to say depression isn’t a real thing which made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. 

The antidepressants made me feel like a zombie but are now starting to have some effect. I wasn’t a huge fan of taking them but knew it couldn’t get worse. 

Today was bad, really bad, so I opened all the blinds, grabbed a coffee, pulled all the Christmas decorations out and blared Christmas music in October. And that may seem silly but it made me happy. I danced around the living room with all three of my beautiful children. I felt somewhat whole again I watched my oldest children giggle as we spun round and round and kissed my littlest a thousand times. Our home felt full. It didn’t seem so dark. 

I’m writing this because it’s not a joke but no one talks about it. It’s a real thing. It’s miserable. It’s hard calling your doctor and saying I am not bonding with my baby. I’m writing this because it will get better. You won’t have all good days BUT your days won’t always be dark. I’m writing this because mental health is important. It should be taken seriously, because it is a serious issue. Get the help you need.