Dear mom with the tear stained eyes, you’re enough for them.
2017 has been hell year for me.
And I’m constantly feeling like I’m failing the 4 most important people in my life.
I’ve been the mom with the tear stained eyes more times this year than in my entire 5 years of motherhood.
I’ve cried in the Walmart check out when my toddler is having a tantrum and I hear the old man behind me sigh in annoyance.
I’ve cried when my 4 year old yells back “you’re mean.”
I’ve cried when people have said you can’t do this on your own because most days I believe it.
I’ve cried when people look at my growing belly and say do you not know what birth control is. Not knowing I met an adoptive family because I felt that unfit to care for her.
I’ve cried when I ignore another person I care about because I don’t feel like leaving the house or speaking to them.
I’ve cried when people my age make comments about how my life is ruined.
I’ve cried after spending a day around people and pretending everything’s okay.
I’ve cried over things that are far out of my control.
I’ve cried because life has been one low blow after another.
I’ve cried at 3am when I’m up trying to catch up on everything I couldn’t do when they were up.
I’ve cried when my advisor told me taking a full course load is stupid with kids at home.
I’ve cried after getting the kids to bed and sat outside their door in the dark simply praying for some guidance.
I’ve scooped them out of bed a thousand times in the middle of the night and kissed their tiny faces and whisper I am sorry for everything I did wrong that day.
For saying no when I could have said yes. For raising my voice when I didn’t need to. For saying hang on a minute when I should have stopped cleaning and watched my 4 year olds ballet routine for the 30th time.
I’ve cried out of anger when I’m doubled over in pain due to contractions but am covered in bruises from shots that are supposed prevent preterm laboring.
Overall I’ve felt like I’m failing miserably. To find balance. To cook. And clean. And play. And parent. And to make sure they each get at least 43 kisses a day. And to make sure I tell them I love them because I never want them to question that. And to teach them. And to get them outside to play. And to wash their little faces before bed. And to make sure I read to them every single night. And to deal with the laundry list of things that need done.
Being a single mom is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I am constantly trying to “make it up” to my kids.
To be enough.
I tired. I’m mentally and physically drained. And my heart hurts.
My 4 year old is always the one who knows when I’m struggling. She’s sensitive, like her momma.
A few nights ago I crawled into bed with her to get her to sleep and my face was yet again tear stained. She scooped my face between her tiny hands and said mom stop crying or you’ll melt your sprinkles off(my freckles)
I laughed and said kiddo moms fine just extra tired.
And she replied so sweetly like she does every time she knows I’m struggling and said mom, I’m 4 now. I always know when your heart is hurting.
Which of course triggered the hormonal waterworks and I said you’re too smart for your own good now close your eyes and I’ll give you a dream (telling her a story usually about princesses and fairies)
She closed her eyes and said tonight can you give me a dream about me and the best mom in the whole world, you.
You’re enough for them.
They don’t see the bad.
They see the good.
You’re much harder on yourself than they are.
They don’t care about the mess.
They don’t care that the old man at Walmart was annoyed at their tantrum.
They don’t care about any of that.
They just care that you’re there.
You’re theirs and they’re yours.
So to the mom with the tear stained eyes, you’re enough for them.